I
was taken aback one day when a woman approached me and told me that I look like
such a 'cool' mom. Apparently, it was from some content on a few social network
posts of mine and not from actual reality. It made me laugh out-loud. It
felt encouraging for a second and I thanked them, but I didn't want to lead
them astray believing some picturesque Norman Rockwell family lifestyle was the
norm. I mean if I have misled anyone than I am so sorry. Instagram
pictures are limited in frame size. If we could expand that little box to the
bigger picture it would be quite a different perspective, like I told them. So
here is the real story. This is what is really happening in the background. We
only want to show our achievements not our epic failures. I mean if I can do
one thing right, just one in that whole day than it has been an awesome day.
But I mess up a lot. My house is often dirty. I have a daily stack of dishes,
laundry and even though I love to cook as a stress relief, I probably burn
about a 1/4 of what I make. I try not to but it happens and I get really upset
with myself especially when you try to stick with a budget per week. I cannot
multitask to save my life. I can hardly think when two things are happening at
once. My mind just shuts down. I am sadly co-dependent on my daily vice...
coffee. My kids know when I have waited until lunchtime to actually make some
for myself. Though, my husband is just as bad as I am. I bribe my children all
the time and keep them up way too late sometimes just so we can have extra
family time & teachable moments. Nothing ever goes as planned. It is
truly sweet chaos
As
a mother of two, I have recently discovered that I have been thrown into a realm of young mothers who find each other to talk about the latest parenting techniques
and whatnots. It is almost like an inevitable right of passage that one cannot
escape in this phase of life. It can be well informing and can make you want to
flee to the next exit. Though I rarely see my share of frequent playgroups, I
do bump into the occasional discussions without really meaning to. Don't get me
wrong, I do not mind the conversation but sometimes it feels almost draining
and unending. I live with it on a daily basis, why do we have to talk about it.
Why can't we talk about other meaningful things? I tend to be one that just
listens to the women around me and the constant conundrum of suggestions being
tossed about like I had a front row seat at the French Open. I guess it looks
like advice but it is morphing into something a bit more sinister. Even with
good intentions, it becomes a strange sense of grandiose grandmotherly advice
meaning "your way is the better way". It is just an
observation. I don't think it is anyone's fault. I think it has to do with our society and our culture. Whatever
the mainstream media tells us what the next celebrity trend is; it becomes our model.
They are telling us how to be a certain kind of woman.
In
this day in age of social networking and social pinning, it seems as if there
is a competitive drive to be the best wife and best mom. As if one is outdoing
the other like some game to achieve the utmost status built on a high
expectation that our society creates. In order to be a perfect wife you must be
this kind of woman _____ . In order to be a top notch mom that has it all
together you must be doing ___ and ___and have the right ____. It may not be
this overt but I know its there and women (especially young mothers) are
constantly comparing themselves to each other and are not measuring up the way
they seem fit. Don't get me wrong I love Pinterest and recipe articles and
creative blogs but that is not what needs to determine how we raise our
children, how we mother and how we build our relationships. In fact, it may do
the exact opposite if we aren't too careful. As women, we hold a lot of insecurities,
which can turn into the ugly green monster called guilt when its not recognized
and put into perspective. I know this isn't anything new and has been going on
for quite some time in the female race. But when you get yourself into this
vicious cycle, it will never be good enough.
I
have only been a mom for a little over 4 years now and a wife for 5 years. I
can tell you it is a huge undertaking that is not to be taken lightly. Parenting
is rewarding and exhausting for anyone. And marriage can be even harder if not
cultivated carefully especially when children need your constant attention and
affection. I have the utmost respect for single working moms and dads. It has
to be tough. We all have different lives, different jobs, different incomes,
different schedules, different circumstances, and different views on parenting.
We are also very different people with different backgrounds who are going to
parent differently. Like it or not, how we were raised almost always defines
how we parent even in the least amount of influence.
I
understand it takes a village to raise a child. Anyone feel a sense of relief
with this age-old truth? In reality, we all need each other. We need to
understand that we are all imperfect people which will make us imperfect in our
roles as significant others, parents and friends. I also think we are loosing
the true art of seeking wisdom and advice from the people closest to us and
older than us. We look to articles and posts on social networks and the next
trendy pin to tell us how to mother and please our husbands without first going
to the ones we need to go to and that is the ones we love. Ask your husband how
he wants to be pleased. Do NOT let a magazine tell you. The people in our
life who have been in our shoes and who have birthed and raised us hold a
special amount of information and wisdom with experience. These relationships
do not need to be replaced but utilized and respected. What is a mom or an aunt
or a grandmother but someone who just sits and gives a listening ear to our
frustrations and shortcomings as young mothers. We don't necessarily need the
advice just a confirmation that they have all been there and that it is
completely normal to come to a place where we understand that we don't have it
all together and that there is great freedom in that.
I
have NO advice here for young mothers. I still consider myself a fairly new mom
or a so-called 'toddler mom.' I feel honored when another mom seeks my advice.
I almost wonder why they are even coming to me at all. All I can say it is that is
a struggle and a daily learning process for me as well. The way I mother may be
different and is most certainly nothing special in comparison. In fact, with
having two kids I have to try and figure out the differences and needs in my
own kids to figure out how to best mother to each of them. When I finally
figure that out, they will probably be grown with children of their own.
I
think what makes a good mother is one that is honest with herself. She lays all
expectations under the table and sweeps them out the door, for good. Then, she
becomes vulnerable with other women around her and finds humor in everything. We
will always mess up and our standards belong to no one but God alone. He
created us uniquely different and we are the 'perfect' parent for the
particular child or children he gives us or will give to us one day. Like a man
and wife, who is an imperfect soul 'perfect' for his or her own imperfect soul
mate. Take courage in that. There is no burden there. What a joyful sacrifice
it is to be a mom. Even an imperfect mom can create a child who turns out
fairly okay. And we have to forgive ourselves daily.
One
week I had an incident with my 4-year-old daughter. She was having stomach
problems and we were hours away from home driving late one night. My daughter
has a great amount of anxiety when it comes to going number 2 in a 'public'
restroom. She always asks to go home or to a grandmother's house. It is fairly
normal I mean who likes going to public bathrooms. She is a very private person
who needs her ducks in a row. That is who she is as a girl. Well I was so
concerned about her physical body that I forgot about her emotional need. I
knew she was in pain so I literally stood over her in a gas station in
Somewhere, TX for quite a while to get her to go because I knew her body was
telling her she needed to go and she was bent over in pain. I felt helpless as
a mom. I did not know what to do. Out of frustration I took her back to the car
and told her she had some items that she loved to play with taken away for a
whole week. She was devastated. I could tell for the next two days that she
kept bringing up her stuff and could tell me why it was taken away.
"Because I didn't poo poo in the gas station."
I
tossed and turned one night and the Lord really convicted me over the incident.
I try to parent with grace but I withheld what she needed that day. I started
to talk with her in the car about her fear and why she just refused to go even
though she had a tummy ache. (I really think this girl could never poop her
pants even on a strong laxative because of her stubbornness) The noises and
environment create a great amount of fear and anxiety to the point her legs
shake. So I left the conversation open. The next morning she got in bed with me
and I was almost in tears. I had to apologize to my four-year-old daughter. I had to
tell her that mommy messed up and I need to ask for forgiveness. I had no idea
how she would take that. Then in her little child voice she said, "its
okay mommy, you were protecting me." I was blown away. What God taught me
in those little 5 minutes of an early morning conversation was everything. How
did she know and understand my feelings? How did she not hate me? There was
discipline there that should have just been understanding, patience and grace.
So she was able to have her toys back that very day. I told her that I would
never make her go again especially since I had never done that before that day.
It was not like me as a mom and probably confused her. Nor would it ever be
something that would need discipline. I just told her that if she needed to go
and we were not near home, that I would do whatever it took to get her home as
soon as I could as long as she communicated with me.
I
know I am spending more time about being a mom than a wife on this blog but I
think there is a similar understanding when it comes to owning up to the fact
that there is beauty and freedom in imperfection and it goes for marriage too.
I believe what makes a good wife is also one that is honest with herself and
with her spouse. She lays down all of her expectations together with her
husband and they push it out the door. Your needs become mine and my needs
become yours and we do our best to communicate our needs to each other and know
that we will do whatever it takes to make sure we are meeting the realistic
ones for that day. We also need to be vulnerable and constantly be in a spirit
of forgiveness and listen to each other. We also have our own insecurities and
we need to recognize them but not let them rule and master our emotions and
reactions. My husband cannot perfectly fulfill me and he never will. Only Jesus
can meet that void in my life and he does every day. And because of that, as a
husband and wife we can rest in this and love each other deeply with this
truth. I can actually love him more because of it and honor him knowing that he
feels the same way. We have to be reminded of this on a daily basis. And
praying for each other and together is a gift and it is a weapon that can sustain
your marriage and your family from anything. I love my God, I love my husband
and I love my children. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve any of it and God
reminds me of how proud he is and that he puts everything in place. I enjoy and
take pleasure in all of it, the beauty and the chaos that it brings. I wouldn't
have it any other way. Our circumstances can make us stronger if we can grow
our perspective and embrace that fact that we are all in this together and all
struggle with very similar and often silly insecurities.
We
are beautiful mothers and beautiful women. We are a gift. Our God kisses us
daily when exhaustion hits or when we do something simple and mundane and even
when we mess up or react in a way that we shouldn't have. We have all experienced
those moments. After all, we are human. Our children adore us more than we can
possibly know. There is a reason Jesus was fond of children. They have a
natural ability to see truth and honesty and can forgive with ease. We don't
have to be that hard on ourselves. The most precious thing a mother can do is
just sit and play with your child and in that time open your ear to your child
and listen to what they have to say. Those moments are precious and it brings
the best out of them, and in turn, the best out of you. We all need to be
listened to. Nothing else really matters. These are the moments that pass so
quickly. Those are most important.
We
must take time out for ourselves and devote time with our spouses. It will
refresh you and make you a better mom and wife. I promise!!! You won't
miss anything or mess up a baby's schedule. You are the best mom for your
child. No one can tell you otherwise. We all have very good advice for each
other and can try different things out even if it doesn't work for us. But, not
one way is more effective than another. Every mom I know and see near me I
always think, wow they are amazing.
All
a child wants is you. And as my children are sleeping I think to myself, what
will I learn new as a mom tomorrow that only my children can teach me?
- Bethy
(I
love the Norman Rockwell painting above. What appear to be a man and wife
arguing about politics while their child remain bored on the floor. So glad my
husband and I have fairly strong and similar views because I am one strong-minded
individual in my belief system and things could get pretty heated. Though I
love myself a good argument. It always ends well eventually. J
